apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She told me I should be a condom model.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
