when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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