he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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