She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
