My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
