Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
