Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i out mim tonsoeep
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