I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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