Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
