god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
