How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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