"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
