you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
