I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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