Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
