Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
