walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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