At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
