When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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