Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
