Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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