I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
