I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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