I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
