I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
