When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
