Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
