My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
God I need to hump something, right now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize