in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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