Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
