the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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