Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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