too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
