We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
