Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
