I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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