I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
sarcasm needs its own font
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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