how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
