If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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