Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
