I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
