Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
