I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize