can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
