she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
