This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
