I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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