Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
