Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
