Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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