Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
