The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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