our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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