you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
