when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
