I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
