I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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