Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
