ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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