have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
