ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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