After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize