I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
