The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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